2002-10-06 - 2:14 p.m.
On the rim of Palm Court, the person I had just accosted to get information about a midterm told me something marginally unexpected: “I heard a nasty rumor about you,” he said. “I heard you do cocaine.” I almost laughed, and in hindsight, I’m not sure at what. Maybe that doing cocaine could be a ‘nasty rumor.’ Maybe that it’s unfounded. Maybe that unfounded isn’t the best word. “That’s ridiculous,” I said. “I don’t do cocaine. I’ve done it on four occasions in my life, all but one of those was one line, and the most recent was this summer.”
“Yeah, I thought that rumor was silly,” he said. "It's just your personality."
“I mean, I liked it and all, and I would do it again” – here I though “and I’ve been actively trying to procure some.” I didn’t say it, but my halting might have said something worse. But my enthusiasm for coke and all other illegal drugs is ultimitly passive, because I find getting them is more trouble than its worth – all those social connections have to be maintained, etc, additions fed, cash held onto. “It is silly to think I ‘do cocaine.’”
We parted, and I thought, except…
1) I have been talking about cocaine alot lately, both in this diary and in person, occasionally. Vividly, the book Bright Lights, Big City dealt with a character who had problems remarkably similar to mine, except I didn’t have his 1980s-era coke habit, so I had to detangle that aspect from the character and plot. Or should have; instead I may have just embraced the principle that pleasure can enhance our atrophied lives.
My attempts to actively procure some cocaine, for that reason and because the times I did it in the past were pleasurable, have involved talking to various people who have drug connections and saying how much I would like to do it and if they hear about any to let me know. Not the best way to get drugs, I know, but emblematic of my methods.
2) People have been really thinking I’m a cokehead since I was 15, and joking about it since before that. If you know me, you can guess why: Manic personality and fevarent, twitching energy. Jumping around, talking fast, clipping other people’s conversations. This mistaken assumption is something I’ve had to deal with for a long time. And also, I’ve rationalized, if people are going to mistake me for a cokehead then I might as well get the benefit of enjoying drugs.
So anyway, in case you were wondering, the statements I made in Palm Court are true. I have not done cocaine this semester. If just ‘doing cocaine’ generally is worthy of gossip, then gossip away, but I’m not a case more special than any of the other dozen or so people I know around here who do it occasionally. But if you think I’m a cokehead – or if you think drugs made me to what I am today – then you are mistaken, and are playing into a discourse on my personality that goes back to middle school and one I find rather, honestly, offensive.
